I, Handywoman

Oh, here we go. She’s got a staple gun and she’s not afraid to use it.

Yes. I’ve done it again. I have seen a problem. I made a plan to solve the problem. I made the people at the home improvement store very happy. And I have solved the problem. With staples. BIG staples. The kind that require firepower.

Here’s the story: My dogs have a running squabble with a scraggly little possum that likes 2018-01-14 15.48.02to steal bird seed from my feeder. The feeder is on the porch and they can see it through the window and when Frank (that’s the possum) lumbers up there, they go ballistic. Full metal yap-fest. And when I finally let them out there, long after Frank has wandered off, they tear the place up trying to find him. Which included rummaging around under the porch and tearing up the lattice that blocked off the open front. So there were gaping holes under there and shards of wood tossed about. Shoot.

Since it is winter and several large slats will also need to be replaced, I wanted a solution that I could easily put up that would last until I could contract with someone actually licensed to wield hardware to get it fixed. Since it was snowing at the time I was thinking of it – I thought of snow fencing. The kind that comes in rolls. It’s orange, it’s light, and it doesn’t require power tools to install. (Even though I love my drill, I would rather not use it outside, in 20° weather, while standing in ice.)

I clicked about online to see if I could get some of this magical stuff locally. And I could. So I trundled off to a store the size of an airplane hangar. I wandered around in there a while, finding plenty of cool stuff, but nothing I was looking for. When I finally found a store associate asked where the snow fencing was I got “The Look”. You know the one. The one that says “Crazy lady on aisle 6. She thinks you can fence in SNOW…”

I described the stuff I wanted a little better and he directed me all the way to the other end of the store (of course). Where I still did not find it and had to ask another associate. The second guy knew exactly what I was talking about – Apparently the store is large enough for them to function in different zip codes. He jaunted over a couple aisles and pulled down a roll of orange webbing almost as tall as I was. Snow fence! They just call it safety fencing here. Being that the nearest wide open prairie with drifting snow is probably about 500 miles away.

He smiled. Then I told him I also needed a staple gun and he smiled even bigger. I am not particularly tall, so he sized me up, walked me through several more aisles, and pointed to a dainty little “craft and upholstery” stapler. HA! I did not deign to be tricked into that.

Crafts – HAH!! I was putting up a fence! For crazed dogs and wild varmints! I needed a BIG stapler. I pointed to the next size up and he handed it to me. And I attempted to squeeze the trigger. Got nowhere. I handed it to him, saying it must be locked. I’ll give him credit for not laughing when he easily squeezed the handle and I heard the thunk of the pin. Shoot. Given another try, I did figure out how to get enough leverage to manage the bigger one. I tucked it into my cart possessively. I got a box of staples, too, and headed for the registers. Props again to Deck and Fencing Guy for wishing me a good day and not laughing, at least while I was within earshot.

Epilogue: I put up my fence and fence is good – no more critter wars under the porch! Never underestimate a woman with a staple gun and a plan.

Stay tuned for more on the Here’s a Quarter blog next week! As always, your thoughts and comments are always welcome – they are moderated (I know – adulting again), so they may take a little while to appear, but I read them all and appreciate that you were here. Thank you!

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